And I'm Off...or Not...
This weekend was the start of my two-year Spiritual Direction program (more here). However, it did not go as I had planned. I knew it on Thursday (but I didn't want believe it), when I posted all over FB, and via email asking for your prayers. And your prayers were heard, but not in the way I intended. (I know, I know...who controls things? Not me.)
I was so sick on Thursday night, that there was NO question....I would not be going. The study at the University of Washington has really taken it out of me.
Luckily, I was able to participate via Skpye. It's hard to meet people that way (especially with aphasia, not knowing if I would be heard and understood). My nervousness only added to it. By the end of our time together that first day, I didn't know if I could do it.
But, the by the second day, it got better. My nerves subsided, and I got to listen and be heard.
Oh, the people...I can't wait to meet them in-person. I need to learn from them, and they need to learn from me. The program was everything I thought would be...and more, Sr. Mary Jo, Mary Jo S., and Mary E. are all wonderful.
My weekend was fabulous, and perfect. I took some naps, I walked, and I Skpyed. And to quote Ricky, "I am right where I need to be."
That is, at home in so many ways.
I shared this poem on the second day.
Remembering that time?
Remembering that time
when you felt far away.
I used to feel You,
but not any more,
for days, weeks, months?
Remembering that time
I could not take any pictures,
or cook,
or write,
or do anything creative?
Remember that time
I could not pray, I just
stood there empty,
staring at the sky.
Or sat on the floor
Wanting to catch a glimpse
of what You feel for me?
I’m not angry at You,
despite what they say,
that I should be
I am feeling…
nothing.
I know You didn’t change,
Eternal,
Timeless,
Unchangeable,
Or, what the Jewish Mystics say,
Ein Sof
But I have changed,
Who am I?
Who am I to You?
as if I were cut off from You,
from life?
What if faith is defined,
this way?
It’s not the times when I feel closest to You,
but the times I am longing for You...
aching for You.
What if my prayer is all there is,
this nothing…
What if I accept it,
embrace it,
love it?
I don’t have do anything,
except for to realize that it’s everything.
Trusting what’s happening,
Even though I’m not feeling it,
Still, it is happening,
Your love,
Your mercy,
Your compassion.
I am never giving up,
I will never give up,
What is life without You?
Nothing.
“Who is God? And who am I?”
There was an altar set up, and it will be set up every time we go down there. We were asked to bring something that symbolizes the next two years. I chose this (from Brenda).
